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Word-for-word from motor insurance claim forms . . .

After hitting a sheep on a country road, the driver gave these answers on the claim form -

Q:   What warning was given by you?

A:   I tooted my horn.

Q:   What warning was given by the third party?

A:   Baa.

My Doberman ate the interior of my car while I went to the shops.

Dog in the road applied brakes, causing a skid.

Rats wilfully damaged my upholstery.

A wasp must have tickled the bull as he gored my car.

A cow walked into the lorry.  I was later told that the cow was half-witted.

I hit a dog avoiding a lamp post.

When the car crashed I was thrown clear.  I was found later by a flock of sheep.

I saw smoke coming from under the bonnet and I pulled over.  Realising that the car was on fire I took my dog and smothered it with a travel rug.

* bonnet (UK) = hood (US)

The first car stopped abruptly, the next car collided with the first car, and a haggis ran into the back of that car.

Had I known that my dog was so possessive about my car, I would not have asked him to drive it.

Whilst I was driving along I noticed an elephant and two camels grazing on a grass verge, which caused me to lose my concentration and I hit a bollard.

While driving through the 'Monkey Jungle' the car was soon surrounded by small brown grinning monkeys.  Number four fat brown monkey with buck teeth and crossed eyes began to swing in a clockwise direction on the radio aerial.  Despite my numerous requests to stop, he wouldn't, until approximately 3 minutes and 16 seconds later, when I saw said fat brown monkey disappearing into the undergrowth with my aerial in his mouth.

I hit a giant plastic mouse coming down the car park ramp.

Q:   Could anything have been done to avoid the accident?

A:   I could have travelled by train.

Windscreen broken.  Don't know how.  Could be Black Magic.

I failed to notice the end of the quay, and drove into the English Channel.

I had been drinking heavily and do not remember driving home.

I thought I had wound my window down, but I found out I hadn't when I put my head through it.

As I pulled away from the roadside I glanced at my mother in law and drove down an embankment.

Because I was miles away at the time, I am responsible for the accident.

I had an accident whilst driving quickly to get to the ladies' loo.

I had been driving for 30 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.

Riding my motorbike after smoking cannabis, I was chased by the fuzz and stacked it.

My car plunged over the bank, landing in the quarry.  I hope this meets with your approval.

I don't remember the accident because I was drunk - the police have full details.

I was scraping my rear end on a bank when the accident occurred.

In an attempt to kill a wasp I drove into a tree.

I was driving slowly trying to reach a cloth to wipe my window, which got caught on the seat.  When I pulled it free, I hit myself in the face, lost control of the car and went into a ditch, hitting a tree.  When I came back to tow the car away my radio had gone.

I left my car and by accident or design, when I returned, it had run away.

The accident was caused by the road bending.

I am unsure who was responsible but there are plenty of suspects.

Whilst driving along a girl in a window exposed her breasts to me.  When I looked away I hit the van in front..

My wife pulled my hair causing me to turn into a lamp standard.

I didn't make a note of the witnesses names as in their ignorance they said I was at fault.

The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman.

I sounded my horn, but it didn't work as it had been stolen.

The wheels went into a ditch, and my foot jumped from the brake to the accelerator, leapt across the ditch and hit a tree trunk.

The policeman asked me if I was hurt at all.  I told him I wasn't, but when I took my hat off I found I had a fractured skull.

I am very interested in keeping the vehicle, and would like you to consider a 'cash in loo' settlement.

I was travelling along at 70mph on my motorcycle when my girlfriend reached around and squeezed my testicles causing me to lose control.

I was not aware that the speed limit applied after midnight.

Q:   Do you engage in any pastimes of a dangerous nature?

A:   I watch Noel's House Party and Beadle's About.

* UK television programmes

I had one eye on a girl on the pavement, another on a parked lorry, and another on the approaching traffic.

I was crossing from Edgware Road to Park Lane in the direction of Margate.

* Edgeware Road and Park Lane are both in central London;  
Margate is 80 miles away on the south-east coast of England

There were plenty of on-lookers but not one decent witness.

My car was stolen.  I made a human cry but it has not come back.

On entering Wales I blew my horn at the right hand corner.

I slept in the tramlines and skidded on Friday.

The other driver turned into a coal sack.

None of the parties know me, so my evidence is immaterial.

I will pay more when I do some more time.

I left my Austin 7 outside.  When I came back I was amazed to see an Austin 12.

I cannot give details of the accident as I was concussed at the time.

She saw me and lost her head.

I told the other idiot exactly what he was and drove on.

I was going to the hospital with rear end problems when my viscous coupling fell off causing me to have the accident.

I couldn't get any witnesses to admit seeing the incident until after it happened.

I had been to the garden centre to buy some plants.  As I reached the junction a tree sprang up blocking my view so I didn't see the other car.

Arriving home, I pulled into the wrong driveway and hit a tree I don't have.

The shopper reversed around the corner, denting his car on a signpost.  Luckily for him the signpost offered 'free quotes for accident repairs'.

A signpost hit my car bending it in two places.

As the lamp post approached I tried to swerve out of the way, but I hit the front end.

At the junction, a stop sign appeared where there wasn't one before. I couldn't stop in time and hit the other car.

I hit a telephone pole hiding behind a human.

I was keeping in line with the left-hand lamp posts.  A bend in the road brought a right-hand lamp post in line with the others and of course I ended up in the river.

The gate-post will testify there was no damage to the car.